So you want the signs? I’ll give you the signs. Please note ladies, what you are about to read doesn’t mean that every man is a cheater, BUT had someone given me some of these warning signals prior to finding out that my spouse was cheating, I would have had more time to comprehend this horrible act that destroyed my marriage, and I would have handled it a little better. Not everyone has hundreds/thousands of dollars for a PI. I wasted a lot of $$…If I had just been taught some of the signs…personally, I still would have left him, but I would have had that extra cash on hand to do something with my two kids who were about to get the worlds flipped upside down. Remember, I am no expert and this is not advise of a therapist, it’s coming from a real woman who experienced it first hand and went to therapy herself and was taught this…too late, but nevertheless, something to always beware of.
Women are good at sensing when something is not right….we call it sniffing. I call it good radar! They possess an undefined instinct for detecting a lie, white lie or not. They’re particularly sensitive to men who lie about cheating because that’s one of the “occupational hazards” that comes with saying “I do.” If you confront your spouse and he insists that he never cheats and would never dream of cheating on you – then don’t push it. There’s no point starting a fight. But if you have the slightest suspicion, be vigilant for warning signs. There are good reasons for remaining silent. Pay CLOSE ATTENTION!! You know the saying, “silence is golden.” You can keep track of his infidelities and use them later should you end up in divorce court.
• unexplained disappearances – he slips away and you have no idea where he went…..you’re at a party and your husband disappears for a few minutes. He’s not mingling with the guests. He’s in some room upstairs in the house or behind the bushes making a phone call;
• sudden business trips where he can’t be reached – unless he is the president of the company, don’t bank on a sudden business trip as cause, and if it is, tell him you’ll call his office/secretary for your itinerary and for him ‘not’ to worry about it with his busy schedule… I’ll bet my right boob if he is lying to you you’ll be able to read this man like a book at that very moment when he makes an excuse for you to NOT call the office! Why does he insist on “don’t call me, I’ll call you? Why does he conveniently “forget” to tell you what hotel he’s staying in?
• charges on his credit card. there’s a $250.00 charge at a jewelry store. How come you’re not wearing this particular item? A gift for a client? That will be his response, I’ll bet my bottom dollar on this one!
• untouchable cell phone – he guards his cell phone with his life and won’t let you use it. He even brings it to the toilet and is careful not to leave it lying around. Will he allow you to use it? Not on your life…Sound familiar…? Ok then, look at it as your 1st RED FLAG now and do something about it! If you don’t it is your own fault. If he has the phone set on “lock” and won’t tell you the code, you have an even bigger problem!
• weird telephone messages – “Ma’am, could you please tell Mr. Roberts that I’ve fixed the leak in his condo and that I’ll be sending him my bill soon?” Didn’t he say he can’t afford a summer cottage because he’s still waiting for his stock options to come through?
• no sexual advances in the last little while – why isn’t he romantically flirting with you anymore? Is he getting it somewhere else? Too tired from all that activity?
• absent-mindedness, distractions – you feel your husband hardly listens to you or barely manages small talk. It’s like his mind is somewhere else – and you know it isn’t on work. My guess is that he is thinking about someone, and it isn’t you!
• ringing phone, no one there – your husband’s girlfriend tries to call him at home but when you answer, the line goes dead.
• he smells funny, has hair strands on his coat – you don’t recognize the perfume, and the color of the hair strands is not your hair color.
• suddenly he’s turned into a gym freak – he said he hates gyms and hates to exercise. Why is he in the gym for what seems to you like 8 days a week and looking desperately lean and mean all of a sudden?
Ideally, the best thing is not to emotionally react when you catch your husband lying about cheating. I’ve actually helped friends learn of these discoveries that their spouses were cheating. Collect evidence like a good and calculating detective. Men tend to run away from a highly charged emotional confrontation, they can’t deal with wild accusations, tears and flying saucers. Be cool and psychologically stable. Instead of ranting and raving about why men lie about cheating, find out why they cheat. Men are the weaker of the sexes. My grandmother use to always tell me that if they shy away from you and cannot look you directly in the eye, they are up to no good.
You can ask your husband calmly why he cheated, and show him the evidence. Maybe he’ll be ready to tell you the truth if you’re not too angry. Not too angry? I looked like a fire-breathing dragon who had smoke coming from my mouth, eyes and ears! Don’t confront him when the children are nearby. If you really want this marriage to work, perhaps you can suggest couples therapy. A professional therapist might tell you; there can be many reasons why men lie about cheating. Really? What and why, because after 15 years I still don’t get it!
If you really are determined to work through this, by all means, keep the communication lines open. It doesn’t mean the love between you is dead. It can simply mean it wasn’t allowed to flourish because of problems at home or that something in the marriage needs a fix. If I could have “fixed” my marriage, believe me, I would have done anything to not have put my children through what they went through, but on the other hand, do we really want our children to think that mommy and daddy fighting all the time or not wanting to be near one another is normal? Don’t think that this won’t affect your kids, I’ve seen it first hand, it does! Like everything else, time heals all wounds, but ouch, are they deep.
Beware of the signs ladies, they are as plain as lipstick on his face…
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