Falling passionately in love with someone is one of the most exhilarating feelings, as if you had wings and you are flying high in the sky, feeling the wind romantically blowing through your hair. And usually, when love ends, it feels as if you’ve been dropped like a brick in mid-air waiting to smash into something and mess you up good! You scramble to grab a hold of something … anything, as you witness your body falling at great speeds, and then shattering below, leaving you hurt, devastated, and feeling so broken. Why is it that life can seem excruciating when you’re suddenly alone after a relationship ends. You begin to find yourself having problems making the simplest decisions. You don’t feel like getting up because it’s too much of a chore. No one gets you like she did, and only she could fill this void. Are you listening to yourself? Knock it off! There is no reason to make your life stop just because the relationship ended. You have to find ways to beat that hurt and move on or it will cause mental damage to you that will carry on to your next relationship.
Relationships are precious don’t get me wrong, and nobody can understand the reasons why better than those who are in one themselves. Different relationships are worth saving for different reasons. My grandmother used to say “If it’s meant to be, it will be!” Anger is a common emotion experienced by individuals whose relationship has recently ended. Many would like to be able to dispense with such feelings but instead they find themselves caught in the endless loop of having to fuel the anger by reminding themselves of the hurts, deceptions, lies, abuse etc. they have sustained at the hands of their once “lover”.
Whether we’re talking about breakups, or facing the reality of a one-sided romance, it is quite painful. So much so that it disrupts our normal flow of experiences, causing us to not function normally. With so much emotion invested and our identities tied in with these experiences, it’s no wonder that this is the number one topic requested by readers. Over the past several years, I’ve learned that these painful breakups were simply; tales of guilt, of fear, of regret, and of resentment. Don’t brush it under the rug, be a big boy and move on. As difficult as it may seem, you must do it. Many things can cause a break up. Loss of interest, a new lover, money, etc. Whatever it is it’s not longer your problem because the decision has been made and you lost. They moved on and you are left to pick up the pieces. Tell me,…what are you waiting for?
So, how does one move forward and start a new?
1. Learn to Let Go;
When a relationship ends, you’ll want to practice letting go and allowing the healing process to begin quickly. If you were on the receiving end of a breakup, do not dwell on whether the person will come back or not, if they broke up with you at one point, chances are, something is wrong with the fit of your partnership, and you’ll be better appreciated elsewhere, with someone else. Even if you and the ex get back together, it is unlikely to last (from my experience). Trust that everything in your life does happen for a reason, and it benefits everyone involved in the long run, even if the benefits are not yet clear. Trust that this is the best possible thing to happen to you right now, and the reasons will become clear in the future. Go at your own pace. Don’t try to rush this process, it can backfire on you.
2. Find a Way to Release Tension and that Bundled Up Energy
We all have the need to be understood and heard. Whether we’re on the receiving end or the initiating end of a breakup, we often carry with us the tension and any unexpressed emotions. We can release this extra energy by:
- Talking about it with a friend. This may or may not help. Make sure that this particular from actually liked your partner or you may end up feeling much worse.
- Voicing our opinions honestly and openly with our ex-partner, which have been bottled up in the past.
- Cry. It helps, and you shouldn’t be ashamed to do it.
- Screaming out aloud.
- Writing in a journal. Keep a log of how you feel each day and what you did not to think about this person, who surely doesn’t care about you! It will help in your next relationship, and you can avoid making the same mistakes.
- Exercise and body movement. This is supposed to be something productive. Going to the bar and tossing back beers is NOT considered whither of these two.
3. Begin Loving Yourself Again….
The practice of loving yourself is the most important aspect on the road to personal happiness and emotional stability. I’ve personally had my most valuable personal growth spurts during the period when I vigorously worked on this aspect of my life. Sure it took me a long time to get past my failed marriage, but when I finally saw the forest through the trees it made better sense, and I realized I was much better off. As Amy Winehouse sang, “Love is a Losing Game.” Abba, “The Winner takes it All” or Tracy Chapman, “Gimmie One Reason” Regardless of how they sing it, it is what it is. Over!
I did everything from cooking myself fancy dinners, to spending an entire weekend alone doing the things that I loved to do. I did a variety of things so that being alone wasn’t so difficult. Each one had its own challenges and confronted my beliefs about loneliness. Through overcoming the fear of loneliness, I experienced deep joy all by myself. It was so gratifying, refreshing and empowering and today I am a much better woman. The best advice is take one day at a time. Get to know “you” again and learn how to do things without this person. There is a life after, and although it may seem quite bleak now, this too shall pass and the person that was truly meant for you is just around the corner waiting to be discovered and loved by you.
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