For some people, speaking their mind isn’t very easy. In the end many will find that while it may be difficult, those who truly do care about you need to know what you are thinking. Here’s whats been on my mind….Have you ever met someone before and thought for so many reasons that they were the absolute perfect match for you even though there were so so so many odds against you being in a relationship with this particular person? Did it feel like life was against you connecting for a variety of reason but you couldn’t get your mind off of him/her no matter what you tried to do? Ok,… Add to it that trying to make a relationship work between the two of you would be almost crazy nuts,…so you put it on pause, found a way to push them away like you always do, and while you were doing the pushing you learned that you sent them running right into the arms of someone else? Shit happens. Yup, it sure does, now…welcome to my world.
How do you know that your feelings are so strong? You know the feeling when it’s the bottom of the ninth, the bases are loaded, and you know the next one’s coming right down the middle. And then, you just connect… and for an instant, you know that it’s going over the fence and out of the park… and further than you could ever imagine? Well folks, that’s how you know.
I preach to the choir all the time to be up front and to tell that special person in your life how you feel, when in fact, I am a hypocrite myself, hiding behind a wall of doubt and ‘what if’s’ because I am afraid of having a serious relationship with someone and getting my heart ripped out of my chest again like I did so many years ago. Yes I know that my situation with my husband was different and that there are so many great men out there…yet I find fault with everyone knowing that I have so many imperfections myself. This is my crutch. I hide behind excuses. I can’t love, so I bring others together. There is no crime in that…or is there? I sacrifice my heart so that I don’t get hurt, and help others to find love, where does that leave me? Home alone on a Friday night writing because that is what I do best.
Although friends and family tell me all the time that the right man will come along, I questioned that time and time again, and one day, when I was not expecting to meet someone at all, nor did I care to, he creeped under my skin and before I knew it I was paralyzed. I was also very terrified. What have I learned here? Well, the same thing that I told him; “Love is good and kind and so wonderful when you meet that one special person. Love is a gift,…cherish it.” Pretty nice of me to give him a pat on the back and a way to go huh? Actually, he was a friend before all this and as most good friends do, they stand by their friends when they have good news or bad, encourage and support them, because that’s what the bigger person here does and you want your friend to experience a happiness that is like nothing else you could describe. It’s like a painting on a canvas where all the oils are so different, yet they all run together and make a beautiful portrait that is illuminating to ones eye.
Am I am a loss for words? You bet I am. Do I hurt just a little, no, I hurt a lot, you bet that I do. Are my friends going to say”I told you so?” Most likely…and this is something that I now have to deal with myself in my own way. Sometimes love or what is close to it seems so one-sided. It’s a natural thing. Being afraid of our own mixed up emotions is like a double edge sword. You’re damned if you do, and damned if you don’t. Please, let this be a lesson to all who read my blogs, when you ask yourself why I give advice all the time, it is like that old Huey Lewis and the News song goes…”Do you Believe in Love” I do, but I run so far and so fast in the opposite direction that it would literally take a locomotion to run me down and make me see this. Would he have been good for me you wonder? In my eyes, most definitely. In your eyes, probably not. He was a bad boy in a few ways, none serious, just had that streak about him, and he got under my skin. That was my first mistake, but there is no barrier when the laws of emotions start going off in one’s heart. He said he didn’t want a relationship, or that he was not ready, and all it took one on good lashing from me to send him into someone elses arms. Live and learn, and as Pat Benatar sang, “Love is a Battlefield”
In closing, let me state this; I appreciate everyone giving me their two cents all the time. Without so many of you I would not be doing what I enjoy doing the most, which is writing, and I couldn’t speak so freely about the things that I do without wearing my heart on my sleeve. To this man who came into my life and then hit the road with both feet running, I wish him only the best.
Let this be a valuable lesson to all; don’t wait to tell someone that you care for them, weights what broke the wagon as my grandmother used to say. Do it now, and don’t be afraid. Even if they shoot you down, at least you can walk away knowing that you tried your very best and gave it your all. You may not ever get a second chance. As for me, I am taking my own advice, finally. I’m joining a dating site and trying to meet the right man the proper way since running him down in the frozen food isle doesn’t seem to work, holding in the alarm button on the elevator on the 16th floor hoping that he’ll take his lunch the same time as you and you’ll share an elevator, spraying him with the garden hose ‘not’ by accident as he jogged by your house didn’t work, nor does backing into his Maserati. Let me tell you, like the song says…they really do go 185! Men and their toys….
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