Love/Hate Relationships


Have there been times, and be honest….that you sometimes feel hurt by the things the people you care about say? Do you find yourself thinking, “What did I do to deserve being talked to that way?”  In any relationship, problems can be amplified by the stressful resentment people feel when their feelings have been hurt.  I’m about to give you some pretty practical advice for moving from hurt feelings and relationship tension, back to creating the relationships you truly want to have. Keep in mind, I am no professional, however, I think I know enough. It’s not always a matter of that old saying “If the whoe were on the other foot” sometimes it’s a win/win, sometimes it’s a lose/lose, and sometimes it’s a love/hate kind of relationship.

Are you often feeling Bad?  

Let me guess,…you love them and hate them all at the same time? Can this be so? You bet it can. What can you do to improve the situation when someone says something you don’t like?  Do you care if they like you or not? Some would say no while others want everyone to like them. Do you respond with something equally hurtful? No way…just accept what they’ve said about you and apologize? If you‘re like most people, probably neither of these options seems very satisfying. I’ve found that the best way to stop having your feelings hurt is by not taking things personally. You may think this sounds impossible, but it’s not as hard as you imagine. You just have to keep reminding yourself that—no matter what they say—remember, it’s not all about you!

It’s Not Really about You  

First of all, it’s important to understand that everything everyone does or says is for one of two reasons: a desire to meet their needs, or in support of something that they value. Understanding this is makes it a lot easier for us to learn how to avoid taking things personally. It’s easy to get offended when you think someone is trying to hurt you, but when you realize that what’s really going on has nothing to do with you, it’s just as easy to take a step back and think before you react. 

Try Going Forward…  

Sure it can be hurtful and extremely Knee-jerking, nonetheless, these emotional reactions are a hard habit to break, but when you learn not to take things personally, you’ll be amazed at how much the quality of your life and relationships improve. It bears repeating that everything everyone does or says is to meet their needs, or is in support of something they value. Keeping this in mind frees you from the desire to react defensively and opens the door to sincere compassion for other people.

So whats the big problem you wonder? Let me spell it out for you….

You’ve been dating The Fantasy

When you like a person, you constantly think about them. You imagine yourself in a fantasy, where you go places and do things together. Your lives together are perfect. He/she is romantic, loving, kind, and does exactly what you want when you want it. The only problem is, this person doesn’t actually exist. He/she is a projection of your idealized version of the person you like. What happens when he/she does something different from how you’d imagined? You start to lose a piece of your fantasy. You’ll either feel hurt that he/she isn’t doing what you want “anymore”, and perhaps try to change that person. Listen, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…you cannot change someone. Don’t even try. So, to start off, try to not imagine what it’d be like, or how good it would be. This is where an intuitive mind trying to analyze tons of possibilities becomes extremely harmful. Date the real person, not the fantasy.

To avoid a lot of heartache and understand what the heck is going on, first you must know yourself! Aren’t those situations of you being alone completely unlikely though? No! Not at all. Even if there are people around, you can still be alone. In fact, outside of very involved relationships, you are alone most of the time. Whenever you are focusing on yourself and don’t notice other people, it’s the same as if you were alone. Knowing what you’d do in this situation really helps you out in figuring out what you want. You have to learn to like yourself in this state because then, any kind of relationship breakup wouldn’t be so bad. Once we begin to learn what those feelings are, we can begin to heal and grow.

 

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